First Impressions
by Superdoodlebug
Summary: Basically, another parody of P&P that has been done a million times before, but this time with a girls' school in the North-east of England and Darcy is a big shot screenwriter, if that tempts you... Chaos will ensue, please r&r!
1. The News

**Since this is my first ever attempt I would appreciate if you could leave the slaughtering to the next chapter! Pretty Please? Also any ideas would be very welcome...R&R, cos construcive criticism and compliments are always welcome too!

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The News 

Everyone knows that when a guy has everything – fame, fortune, friends – all he needs to complete himself is the perfect girlfriend.

And when such a guy turns up in, of all places the northeast of England, well even the teachers get hyped up. It was all the staffroom gossip, gone were the days of bitching about the holier-than-thou head, reportings of the most recent saga with the year 11's went out the window, no one even uttered a moan about marking the dreaded mocks, no, there was a new drama afoot.

Mr West, the old cynical Philosophy teacher, was one of the first to hear the news. And who else should tell him but his boss? Mrs Tootlen, affectionately known as Toots, delighted in all changes to the school until she decided they were bad for the girls' health (or more importantly her own), came across the room to relay the good news. She thought it only fair that dear old Mr West should find out first hand what she had overhear the head talking about. And so leaning in confidentially whilst speaking at twice her normal volume, she told him

"You'll never guess what" (no pause so no answer) "You know that new director, the one who won the shock Oscar, the one who's only a biern (A/N: means a human between a child and adult in Geordie)?" again no pause "Well, he's only gone and decided to research his next film here, and I mean in this school here!"

Annoyed that she'd pinched the last cookie, Mr West felt he had to reply in a grumpier than usual fashion

"Whas that got to do wi' me? Anyway, didn't anyone remind Les it's a girl school she's runnin' now not a bleedin' zoo?"

Unperturbed Toots went on "It's such a great coup for us, and to think so soon after we built the new Studio, I knew it was worth it, I always said. Les' beside herself, she said that even the Echo might be interested in the story. Of course she's asked us to meet him since she's off to Australia next wee-"

"Hold up, we? I ain't doin' nothing concerning any up-start when I've got three of the silliest year11's in one class, there ain't no chance…" He tailed off when he remembered he'd been promoted to the head of year post, a decision he had regretted on almost a daily basis since.

"Three? Oh I thought you had five in your class, must change the records… But this Director, Barnsley I think his name was, Charlie Barnsley, yes, well I heard he's a very decent young man, very classy. He'll put the girl's expectations up for sure!"

"Just 'cos he's a southerner don't mean he's got class" he said while using a random board cloth to get rid of the crumbs around his mouth, "You needn't bother changing the records either, I said the three silliest girls, I got five, I can count! I just wouldn't use the term to describe Lizzie Austen, she at least can tell a spade from a spoon!"

"But that only makes-"

"I hadn't finished. JD's nice enough does no harm, keeps out the way, sweet lass that'n. Just a small question; have you thought about the disruption it'll cause the girls so late in the course? You did mention he might be a distraction."

"Oh no, the year 11's are much more mature than you give them credit for, I think."

Mr West just stared incredulously at Toots, the middle age woman who, if the reports were true, had gone into Doc Blacks and asked to see the 'sweaters'. The ditzy deputy did not notice however and barrelled on.

"Now, Mr West" a timid student was trying to hand her late homework in at the door with out getting caught, "you really should give the other girls a chance, as much as I like Lizzy, you must admit they don't have nearly half as much liveliness and spirit as Lily or Kylie, and Madge is the cleverest in the whole school without a doubt, oh and JD just got an offer from a modelling agency did you hear?, and-"

"Yes, I happen to be aware of their talents (_I also happen to be aware where exactly they get their spirits, come to think of it I could do with some vodka_...). Lizzy just has a little more cleverness about her. As for Charlie Barnsley, I would hazard a guess that he's a big enough lad to find his way from train station and wouldn't appreciate a coupla old fogies like us and harassing him as soon as he arrives, do you wanta scare him off? Now if you'll excuse me" He had meant to make a dramatic exit and felt his sudden inspiration for a surprise quiz should be carried out on the year 8's, but he spotted a new tray of cookies so he really had to make a slight detour.

Toots was still left confused trying to work out, 1) whether Mr West was right in thinking Barnsley would not appreciate a welcoming committee, 2) whether she was and looked like an 'old fogie' and 3) whether it was time purchase anti-wrinkle cream…

Meanwhile in the student world….

The timid girl who had been handing in her homework was in fact a well practiced year 11 going by the name of Chrissie Lucas. The authority for all students on the comings and goings of the entire population of the school, she had heard rumours about a certain director coming to school, luckily Mr West's outburst had confirmed it for her, she just needed to dig for the evidence before the news could be broadcast to the rest of the year.

In less than fifteen minutes, with the help of the super site that is Google, she had all she needed. The news was out. The award winning 17-year-old director Charlie Barnsley was coming to the region's finest all-girls school to research his next film with a possibility of an entourage. Lily Johnson then clarified the fact that the entourage would include; a whole camera crew, six actors, three actresses, a make-up artist and a tortoise ("I know but apparently it's his fav pet. Can't live without it. He's got a snake too, a great big one…" fits of hysteric giggles from the ones known as 'plastics', smirks from the cool-nerds, nervous tut's from the easily embarrassed and a gasp of horror from Madge). Then Kylie Wilkins confirmed the almost certain probability that there were going to be two cameramen, five model/actresses, two actors and no make-up artist ("you see, 'cos directors aren't shallow are they, 'cos they don't do the stuff in front of the screen. It's all logic. Oo has anyone got any more foundation? Mine's run out…").

Mulling over all the possibilities and trying to reign in a mischievous smile, Lizzie Austen decided to share her thoughts with the small crowd that had gathered around her and Chrissie against their lockers, so far all Lizzie had done with the news was laugh at it but at seeing all the avid faces around she felt she just had to take pity on them. "Well, I don't mind the actors that's for certain, it'll be relatively easy to deal with a camera crew, but altogether there are far too many actresses for my liking"

It never failed to amuse her, to watch the impact of a sentence settle in a persons face. This was the best yet. At first everyone had laughed, rolling their eyes that such a shallow thing should matter to her, until they realised that if Lizzie had something to worry about they should be scared senseless, soon enough the wide-eyes and grimacing began. _Like any of us would have had a chance if he was on his own anyway… _

JD entered …_I stand corrected._ As usual a path was cleared for JD to stand next to Lizzie, they had been friends since the day after Lizzie was born (JD being a few months older and not meeting each other on the day of her actual birth), 'best' didn't even begin to cover their friendship, they were pretty much sister in every way apart from the whole parent issue. Since Lizzie's parents worked abroad, they even lived together, and everyday Lizzie was grateful that her friend was the sweetest person on the earth especially as she had never been a morning person…

JD, her big eyes now like saucers, turned to Chrissie and Lizzie (she was the type of person that went directly to the source of the rumours), "Have you heard what's going on? Do you know something for definite, but I can't believe you'd make this one up, Liz, even your imagination isn't that active, oh it must be true. But there are the most fantastic rumours going round."

"Aye, so fantastic they're true! Chris heard West knocking Toots for six over it, if she's not careful he's gonna blow soon."

Chrissie chipped in "Oh I predict in about thirty seconds, he was swearing under his breath when he left the staffroom"

JD gasped, Mr West's temper was infamous, "Oh no, are you sure? And he's got the year 8's next, I saw them outside the classroom. We should do something right, help them out, you know what he gets like? You wanted to see him anyway didn't you Lizzie?"

"I'm hardly likely to forget.. yeah I'll see him. Come on lets do the good deed then. Maybe we'll come back with more details." With that the crowd parted to let them pass.

Again Lizzie thanked the stars that JD was as patient as a saint and knew exactly what to say to save a situation or in this case the majority of the year 8's right hands. It was not all down to JD, mind, the few witty comments that Lizzie put in made it very hard for Mr West not to come round. It seemed to him that there was some hope left for teachers to be recognised as humans. In fact after their meeting, he even became curious about meeting the oh-so-wonderful director (he couldn't think for the life of him what film he had done mind), over his cold dead body would he admit this to Toots though. He didn't even know for definite if he would meet Barnsley yet… _But then what's life without a few curiosities?_


	2. The Arrivals

Right, second chapter. Let the slaughtering begin... only kidding but please R&R, any suggestions are welcome as you will see,I still need all the hope I can get!

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**The Arrival(s)**

Naturally the coming of anyone with even the slightest of importance to a small northern town where the biggest gossip was what new crush Lily had got herself into, well, there was always going to be a celebration. And this was no exception. Therefore the year 11's (headed by Lily and Katie) had decided to locate and overtake the classiest – underage – local bar to welcome the new comers. There were several reasons for the choice of venue, the main one being that it was not school, which also meant no shapeless bottle green uniform, no overbearing teachers (though you could never tell where some might turn up…) and no inconvenient lessons to disturb them.

If you don't go to an all girls school, let me give you a little insight, very rarely are there multiple conversations going on, and if there are, you can pretty much guarantee that it is the same topic. As you may have already guessed t'was at that moment the coming party. Even in another language it was all they could talk of. Namely German. This was Toots' class and by their third lesson on Friday, having received the same answer from everyone in the class – Ich will nach einer Party mit meine neue Freunden gehen (the question ever being of the personal and nosey nature from Toots: Was willst du dieses Wochenende?), Toots was about to blow out her poor little ditzy brain.

"Right ladies, I am putting my foot down," actual demonstration of foot going down… several times "The next person who dares even refer to this rotten party will be spending the duration of it here! I warn you I've got plenty pencils that need sharpening!"

You may say that Toots' reaction was a tad OTT, but the fact was that all details of the party (apart the actual occurrence of it), had been strictly kept from her since she had an unusual and questionable knack of turning up 'accidentally' to previous parties. She was also put out by the fact that she still had had no confirmation from West that he was going to meet Barnsley and the rest of them, and if he didn't it was very likely that they would be considerably miffed and go back south. As would her chance of meeting anybody famous…

However, the class made the compulsory moans and utterances of just how unfair life was, when Toots heard "but I'll never get a chance to be in Barnsley's movie nowww" (they were whining somewhat), Toots managed to snap again

"No, that is absolutely IT, I don't want to hear anymore – I am sick of Charlie Barnsley"

"That's a shame" Lizzy as was her usual custom, had been staring out of the window and daydreaming for the whole lesson, unusually though she had caught the last of Toots' rant. And she did like to be the bearer of good news…

"He's arrived"

In the sudden movement that followed, chairs and desks went flying as the whole class tried to get a front window space. The infamous Charles Barnsley was standing with his back to them, they weren't too disappointed. It was a very satisfactory view. After a few seconds Mr West appeared, the cool, calm welcoming party, doing everything in his power to lead his charge away from the blatant staring from the classrooms. This was not lost on Lizzy and neither was the small gasp from behind her. Toots was grumbling under her breath, "…hypocrite!... all that vexing… never again, so good…raise?..."

Lizzy hid a smile; some things never changed.

Toots and West's feud was legendary throughout the school, there was the Sports Day Fiasco, where Toots did her best impression of a drowned rat while West held the bucket. And the following year there was the Christmas Dinner Food Fight, the Chocolate-egg Eating Contest and the Haunting of Mr West on St. Cuthbert's Day(A/N: not kidding based on real events). After all this it was no wonder that the rest of the school just used them as entertainment whenever life got to boring (so pretty much on an everyday basis).

So, in much higher spirits, Toots decided that if you couldn't beat them you might as well join them. "Well, girls, looks like you'll all be dancing tonight then. Who d'you think'll be first?"

The universal agreement seemed to say that it would be Lily, because, as Lizzy so delicately put it, "she's the only one of us with a big enough mouth on her to ask first!"

Lily retorted "'S only cos I'm not afraid, like."

It is ironic that in a private all girls school that the rebellious few seem to learn how to bulldoze the barriers and then completely forget them in the space of a second, when those barriers are supposed to label them as being refined and sheltered, innocents.

The rest of the day was devoted to getting as much out of Mr West as humanely possible (a case of easier said than done). He was infuriatingly allusive and obviously enjoying watching Toots suffer with the lack of details, but that also meant the girls were too. Even when pitted against Lizzy, JD and the bribe of cookies, he only let out that on first impression Barnsley seemed to be "a decent, canny bloke, makes a good cuppa, shame he's a bit of a cricket player then." (No one had managed to work out Mr West's aversion to this particular sport or the players. It was rumoured to be something to do with his youth…)

Rescue then, strangely came in the form of the balding, unbelievably camp history teacher, Mr Lucas (uncle and guardian of Chrissie). He revealed that he had passed in on the meeting with Mr West 'accidentally', but he was at least able to tell every one who happened to be in the corridor (he had one of those booming voices that just seems to carry on) that Barnsley was a cross between the good side of David Tennant and the back side of Johnny Depp. The night was looking up.


	3. The Welcome Party

Woohoo finally ive got me laptop to work!! sorry for how long its taken me, i didn't realise how much time exams take up...

Thank you for all the alerts and reviews, this chp is for louise, cause she put up with me in londinium and because i fear for my life if i don't...

so this is where They first meet, but cause i tend to go on a tangent (really i'm trying to work on it Mrs H!), i've had to split it into two parts and i have no idea when the second part is gona come up- sorry! Anywho enjoy..

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**The Welcome Party. I.**

The Meryton Assembly (more commonly and lovingly known as the Merry Ass) was packed out. Still everyone managed to turn at the exact moment Barnsley came through the double-door entrance with the light pouring in behind him… The entrance you would expect from a director, naturally. And it turned out he did have a kind of entourage with him. Just one much smaller than they had all been led to believe. The group consisted of two designer angels (if angels had hook nose slightly too sharp faces, but labels were showing that definitely marked them designer snobs, to Lizzie anyway), and another two guys, one of which seemed to be surgically attached to the smaller, more forgiving of the two girls, even still it was clear his attention was solely focused on the free-for-all bar. (Let's just say the year 11's had their contacts…). Barnsley himself was staring out into the crowd, all smiles, reminding Lizzie of a kid in the playground on their first day, eager as a puppy to make friends. _Well, at least he's got the eyes for the analogy._

The other guy was towering over all of them at the back in the shadows, it was hard to give him any real description, Lizzie couldn't see him well enough, _but he's looking down as if he's surveying his court… bloody cheek!_

For a couple of seconds, no one moved. The seconds after that, when they were still stood in the door-way just became awkward. No one would ever admit this, but for once they were glad to see a teacher outside of school gate-crashing a party. Mr Lucas suddenly materialised at Barnsley's side and whisked him off to start the introductions. While everyone waited for their intro, the party went back into swing.

Lizzie turned round to raise an eyebrow at JD, but she saw that her friend's gaze had wandered off with Mr Lucas. It had been a while since she had seen JD like this, but she knew the drill. No talking, no shaking, no sudden movements. Lizzie sighed. She was beginning to regret having come out, it wasn't like she had a free night either, there was the article for the school newspaper (the Shout, usually filled with students rants), the Latin translation due last week, and biology revision all to do. Again a sigh escaped. And as usually luck had it, Toots was headed straight for them. Then fate decided not just yet. She was sidetracked by Lily, who was at that moment in time running around trying to have twenty conversations at once, and was getting the people mixed up…

Still, it was long enough for Chrissie to come over and spill the gossip. _I might as well get something out of tonight._

"Go on then, you're going to burst if you're not careful"

"Well, if you don't want to know…"

Lizzie just looked at her. Chrissie was incapable of keeping idle gossip to herself.

"Oh, all right. You know who Barnsley is obviously, the two girls are his sisters – a family business it seems, one's his PR and the other's an aspiring actress. Becca and Casey, I think. Becca's the one with the attachment, as far as I can tell he's called Hurst but I don't think he has anything to do with the filming or he might… I don't know, he's not exactly coherent"

Chrissie finished off with a wide grin, Lizzie had known her too long not to realise this was an invitation to beg for more. Normally, Lizzie would have played Chrissie on who had the strongest will power to hold out, but her curiosity had already kicked in, so she didn't even try, in fact (not going so low as to beg, but) she asked.

"And the guy in the shadows? I can't believe you don't know"

"Just savin' the best til last. His name is Erik Darcy. He's a big shot, an eighteen year-old scriptwriter. Comes from a big Scottish family – sorry, clan – too. But he got his first script for 'Taggart' produced three years ago. So, sorry Liz, you've got some competition, it's his script Barnsley's directing."

"Ah, I see you've heard then", Toots had joined them, "Well, girls, if only I weren't married… Darcy is much more prestigious than Barnsley, don't you thing he's dashing, girls?!"

As horrifying as it was discussing the, errm, attributes of guys with a slightly over-enthusiastic-middle-aged-teacher-in-denial, the girls themselves did not have even a minute to recover, since the objects of their conversation were being led over to them by Mr Lucas.

"Ah, JD, Lizzie, just the people we wanted to see", Mr Lucas nodded to Toots, who quickly scuttled further down the bar, taking Chrissie with her, but not so far down as she was unable to hear.

"Girls, this is Charlie Barnsley, I've no doubt you've heard of him", Lizzie couldn't help but smile at that while Mr Lucas turned to Barnsley

"JD here is the school's best performer, quiet as a mouse off the stage though. Lizzie, of course I told you about, she's our very own writer, recently won the national short story competition, oh and don't try and argue with her, Mr West has her well trained".

Trying to ignore the heat rising in her cheeks, Lizzie the braver of the two in receiving compliments, asked Barnsley,

"Please… It's nice to finally meet you. How are you liking the North then?"

"Very well, I already feel at home. Everyone is so nice and friendly"

To cover up her slight cringe over the use of the word 'nice', Lizzie replied

"I'm glad we're able to prove we're not the northern barbarians everyone seems to think we are down south…"

At this moment Lily chose to run through them, waving, what looked like a pair of boxer shorts on a stick.

Lizzie cleared her throat, "And you?"

She had noticed Barnsley's glowering friend towering above behind them. Needless to say, she was more than anxious to divert his disapproving gaze from Lily. If Darcy had been startled by the question, he didn't show it, he just turned his dark eyes to Lizzie.

The look was very disarming. Darcy was an actual classic. Tall, Dark and Intensely Handsome didn't even _begin_ to cover him. _I will not blush, I will not blush… damn._ But the look he was giving her, so powerful, it would have made even Snow White burst a blood vessel or two.

Thankfully, Barnsley, after some initial confusion, saved Lizzie by smiling widely and did the formal introduction ("oops, sorry, everyone, this is my good friend Erik Darcy The Scriptwriter"). After nodding his head once very regally, he flicked his stern eyes over the party, reducing all who came under them to very little more than molten puddles, he rested his gaze on Lizzie again. _At least I'm still standing… _Much to her annoyance she had seen Toots and Chrissie almost fall on to the bar for support. So to retain some dignity for women-kind, Lizzie took a deep breath and stared right back at him. He still hadn't answered her question,

"So? Do you like it here as much as your friend?" _Must be polite, must not turn to goo…_

"It's well enough"

After an initial confused pause, Lizzie wondered if she should be offended by such a degrading remark but she shrugged it off, for one of two reasons. The first was that Darcy seemed to full of his own self-importance for her to take anything from him personally, she couldn't really see them coming 'close' as it were, even if they both happened to like making up their own worlds. The second was that she just happened to see a goofy smile from Barnsley and the shy twinkle from JD. Since neither one was exactly forthcoming, Lizzie decided to try her hand at matchmaking…


	4. The Welcome Party II

A/N: And after that very long absence I am back in business... actually... i'm goin on my holidays so once again i'm going to disappear off the radar for more than a couple of weeks... hopefully the story will get better when i get back, anyroad, enjoy

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**The Welcome Party II**

Finally, after ten minutes of dropping subtle hints to Barnsley, Lizzie sat down at the bar in much need of a strong drink. _Well I've deserved it, I never thought I'd meet someone as clueless as J, I really can't see how Em enjoys doing that to people…, _looking over at the dance floor Lizzie could see the pair softly swaying to Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss a Thing. It was JD's favourite song and after mentioning that little fact, oh only twice, Barnsley showed his sweet side and insisted she dance to it. With him. _Maybe they'll play it at their wedding… _

Lizzie let out yet another sigh. How on earth had JD managed to find her match at this random party, bloody hell she was only sixteen… And had only spent 10 minutes with the man in question. Still Lizzie could see they were perfect for each other. He was shy, sweet and awkward at first, constantly staring at J, seemingly talking to the whole room but looking for her answer, and J, well, she was blushing profusely, smiling like Goofy whenever he said her name and trying her hardest not to stare right back. The crazy thing was that even superficially they were perfect, Barnsley was only a couple of inches taller than J, Lizzie guessed six ft, give or take, but still managed to look like one of Raphael's little golden-blue-eyed cherubs. Then JD was the opposite, delicate, willowy, ivory skin, long wavy natural midnight black hair, really the only similarity was that they both looked angelic. The beauty was scary for the North east, those type of looks belonged in the great cities of the south. _Mature na__i__vety, an oxymoron if there ever was._

Having acquired the desired drink, Lizzie looked into the amber liquid and thought of the people who had driven her to alcohol at such a young age. First as soon as Barnsley had gallantly sweeped JD off onto the dance floor (the resulting effect being one of the princess and prince charming, a reason in itself for taking a shot), Lizzie had heard over the very loud crooning voice of Steven Tyler Toots crowing to an awkward Chrissie

"Oh, I knew Barnsley just had to be taken with her. Didn't I tell you? Mind you I don't know anyone who wouldn't, but she's done so well, oo just think that if she holds onto him she'll get to be an actress. And just think of what it will do for the school…. Oh Mr Lucas, have you seen them? Yes, yes, they do look like two lovebirds already, we must do ALL we can to encourage them d'you hear me? ALL we can! Change the timetables… Oh where is West?!"

As Lizzy was just about to jump head first into the gaping hole that had opened up before her, she saw that Darcy, who was still standing silently fuming beside her, had also heard… Once again Lizzie tried to cover up for the sake of women-kind.

"Ha, urgh, soooo, do you…" Lizzie looked around wildly for some, any kind of inspiration, "errm… dance?"

Lizzie cringed, when she realised it must have sounded like she was asking him… Which wasn't so bad in itself, _Go confident and headstrong women!, _but, as always with these things, there is a but. But, it was the look of "oh well that wasn't predictable at all_!_" (note the sarcasm) and condescension, not to mention his abrupt "No" before he stormed off (no really stormed, as in his open shirt flapping round his sides as he walked off with clenched fists to the other side of the bar), that did it for Lizzie. _He's worse than a bloody southerner! But I suppose it is far too much to ask the great guests to be polite… Honestly of all the arrogant pricks in the world I get stuck with the hot one… WOAH where did that come from?! Stop it right now, superficial hotness does not mean good stuff inside… where's the bloody alcohol in here?_

So there our Lizzie was quite happily sitting in the hidden corner of the bar, getting in the swaying mood before going to look for Chrissie for a mad dancing session (consisting of holding on to each other for dear life and kicking legs fast and in no particular direction, unless the Macarena came when they tried to do the moves twice as quickly as everyone else… safe to say it never failed to amuse), when joy of joys she spied JD being escorted to the bar by Barnsley, _they must have been dancing all this time, nice for some to be in their own little bubble. _Lizzie's brow furrowed when it looked like JD was talking to a random space of air, but when she squinted really, really closely she could see the outline of a body and nearly fell off her seat when the shape turned round and revealed itself to be one of Barnsley's sisters. _2D girls do exist… You learn summat new every day!_

After some more random people watching which was pretty predictable – Lily and Katie were in a make-out competition, don't know? Don't ask, life scarring, Toots asking Mr Lucas if it was time she bought anti-wrinkle cream, and Mr Lucas looking like he wanted to run for the hills – Lizzie caught sight of Barnsley making for her side of the bar. When he stopped on just the other side wall next to a lump of shadow, Lizzie leaned forward ever so slightly so she could hear over the music. _I'm curious, so shoot me._

And as we all know curiosity killed the metaphorical cat.

"Darcy, man, what the hell are you doing?"

A mutter that sounded suspiciously like "I'm drownin' me sorrows, what the hell does it look like?"

"Like a socially incompetent ass, you could go into competition with Hurst, mate"

At this Lizzie gave a silent cheer, she knew she had been right about Darcy being a moody sod. Apparently though, this moody sod carried an ice cold glare that made Barnsley say,

"Yeah, um, sorry mate, that was low. But would you at least pretend to not be contemplating suicide? Dance, for God's sakes, man! Its good music and pretty girls, so what's you problem?"

"In case you haven't noticed, you're dancing with the only pretty girl here."

"J, pretty? Have you lost your mind, she's beautiful! But what about her friend? Lizzie, I think, she was very pretty and J kept telling me the funniest stories about –"

"Who?"

"Erik, you were standing next to her for twenty minutes, you must have noticed her. You did try to talk to her didn't you?"

"Oh, her. She's tolerable, I suppose, but I've got my standards. Look, you know this is all bloody pointless, just go back to your partner. I'm leaving in a half hour."

Lizzie heard rather than saw Charlie shuffle back towards J. She was seeing red. _Tolerable?! Who even says that anymore? What an effin bastard, he doesn't even know me! What does he think? That he can just waltz in here and judge us, ON LOOKS?! Stupid, bloody, vain, arrogant, superficial, Scottish class-A Jerk. I'll show him tolerable…_

After the internal rant, Lizzie smirked. His mistake was in talking like an adult. She was going to have fun with this…

Luckily, as Lizzie stood up, she saw Chrissie and made her way over. Of course this meant passing directly under the nose of a certain Darcy. The surprising thing was, that as she walked passed him and caught his dark eyes, instead of wanting to throw a good right-hook at him, Lizzie had to bite her lip so she didn't burst out into hysterical laughter there and then, due to the panic stricken look that covered his face. When she reached Chrissie, she let it all out, even including a very over-the-top re-enactment.

The thing people tend to notice first about Lizzie is her laugh, mainly for the fact that it is loud and actually genuine compared to the titters and giggles of the oompaloompas. So fairly quickly she was surrounded and the story spread of how Erik Darcy had unfairly and quite unjustly dubbed their Lizzie Austen 'tolerable', it was a shock to many for, while Lizzie wouldn't even consider it herself, a lot of people thought that she was as beautiful as JD.

Even with the happy knowledge that all her friends were angry and indignant on her behalf, that night looking in the mirror Lizzie felt her self-confidence shrink just a little. _Damn you, Darcy_.

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Right so Darcy has comitted the terrible deed and I have a dark Jane... oh yeah, sorry for the bad language but if you've ever been up Newcastle way, you'll know why i think its necessery for the realistic element...

Review if it makes you happy


	5. After Maths

Dedication: Louise, stubborn as hell but sweeter than honey xD

Disclaimer: anything you recognise is not mine

**After Math(s)**

_2 weeks later…._

Walking down the hallway and up the stairs of an illustrious private school can be a very dangerous hazard, the main danger is getting caught up in the chipmunk-ankle-biters gossip, which unfortunately was still centred from an unfortunate incident two weeks ago. _Never knew so many people cared, maybe I should go for head girl next year and make the first step in world domination Mwhahahahaha, now only if I could get the dolphins on board… _The other danger is of course getting so caught up in devious evil genius plans that involve oranges and dolphins that one tends to miss things.

"Lizzie, did you hear a word I just said?"

"Huh? O, err, Barnsley is god and he knew the world wouldn't end on Tuesday? Course I was listening, J, I'm hurt and wounded that you would ever suppose I wouldn't!"

It was the obvious guess, and to some degree Lizzie was right, since Barnsley now made an appearance every time JD opened her mouth. I digress, ever the dramatic, Lizzie clutched her heart and swooned into the doorframe. And ever the clumsy misjudged the distance and fell into the person standing inside the maths classroom. Naturally taking them down with her and landing on top of them in a sprawled heap.

"Oof-"

"Aw, shit, I'm sorry, I'm such a-"

"-what the hell? I knew there was a drunk reputation round here I didn't think-"

"Hey! It's not my fault three inch heels are a requirement round here, believe me I'd much-"

"You still should've looked where you were going. Or you could have at least fallen at my feet-"

"Why you bl-"

"Lizzie if you wouldn't mind getting off of Mr Darcy, I would like to cover this lesson as pain free as possible"

Lizzie looked up startled. And she looked back down again feeling the blood rush to her face, _DAMN IT_!! The position she found herself in was somewhat unconventional for the entrance of the maths classroom. She was lying sprawled out over one Scottish Jerk, hands fisted on his chest, clutching at his shirt and her head floating only a couple of inches above his, suddenly staring at his deep clear green eyes. She cleared her throat and self-consciously released her hands and tucked her hair behind her ear. Then she quickly tried to manoeuvre so that she was free to stand up with the least embarrassment.

At lest that was what she thought until she pushed herself up and realised her green school skirt had ridden up and her legs were on either side of Darcy, effectively straddling him.

It was at this point that the rest of the class decided to join them, in the classroom of course. Among them was one Casey Barnsley who had been forced to actually enrol at the school to repeat year 11 for a third time, not that anyone would find out, as far as she was concerned she was there solely to help Darcy, to provide inspiration if you will, if only he just let her…

Anyway, safe to say she was not best pleased when she walked into maths in the first place, but to see a slutty northerner practically riding her Darcy, well it didn't just take the biscuit, it took the whole damn tin. First she went red. Then she sucked a lemon. People standing near her could have sworn to see the steam coming out of her ears. It wasn't her ears they should have been worried about, for in the next second most people in the near vicinity went home a little deafer. That's right. She screamed.

And funnily enough it was the ear grating scream that saved Darcy, from a rather big problem…

"Miss Barnsley if you please, I would like my hearing to last into my retirement. The exercises are on the board, if you wish to pass the GCSE I would advise you do them. If not keep it down - I need a good kip, and Lizzie I think you better change into your trainers. Soon."

"Right, oh err, yeah course, Thanks Mr West"

Having removed herself from Darcy, Lizzie had sat down in a daze in her place in the front to the right, next to Chrissie (ironically it's the only place where she could get away with reading in classes- under the inept maths teachers nose). Chrissie was looking at her somewhat unintelligently with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Not that Lizzie noticed, she was suffering from a severe case of mushy brain.

_Nghgh he felt nice and warrrm… mmmmm happy happy…_

_NGAH DARCY NOT GOOD. DARCY IS JERK NICHT GUTEN SEIN… _

_but he held on…_

_STOP IT. STOP IT NOW!_

_His eyes were green… I saw gold in there too… smiley faces and stars_

_NO BAD LIZZIE BAD! ONLY 'TOLERABLE' REMEMBER?..._

_Hmm.. Oh. grrr… bad nasty man. Gawd how much testosterone does he have? And what the hell did he mean 'faal at my feet', what he thinks we should worship him now? He's so, he's just….ARGH!!! *mental shudder*_

It was only when Chrissie started clicking her fingers in Lizzie's face that she finally surfaced from her internal … musings.

"So, how big is he?"

"WHAT?!"

"Shh keep it down, you know what West'll do if he's woken up! I saw the both of you when you stood up, and your expressions, well it's the obvious conclusion. So, details woman."

"But, but... I, erm I… Shit! Chrissie, he's right behind us!"

"Don't be coy; we all know you're the Queen of Innuendoes really. And d'ya really think he's gonna hear us when he's got Head Case pawing him-"

"She's not, is she?"

"No but she's certainly try- did she just put her tongue in his ear?"

At this point Erik looked up, and seeing the two girls staring, abruptly moved his chair as far away as the desk would allow from Casey, coloured and gave them a stiff nod.

Lizzie and Chrissie just turned to look each other and simultaneously let out a cringed "Eww" before dissolving into silent, shoulder-shaking hysterics.

~%~

In the second row, Erik was seriously considering suicide and it wasn't even ten o'clock. He knew he should have just stayed in bed. He needed to do research dammit, not listen to stupid unfounded chatter of some silly sixteen year old girls. Okay so maybe it wasn't that unfounded, but it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't thrown herself at him.

He bet himself she hadn't even noticed how she had given him a very nice view of… her intoxicating-angry-sexy-as-hell-blue eyes? And now he had to put up with the radioactive stick insect. Who had seemed to have placed her hand uncomfortably high up on his thigh and was talking into his ear? This couldn't be good.

"…she's not really pretty is she? I mean it looks like she's never even attempted to dye her hair, and it's so mousey. I don't know how she dares go out of the house! But did you notice? I just dyed my hair before we came to this sinkhole, don't know why I bothered really, but I did it for you. Do you like it, I heard you liked blondes."

At this she proceeded to stick her tongue into his ear (last months Cosmo stating it very high on how to make a man weak at the knees *wink wink*). Very startled and a little freaked out, Erik snapped his head up and swiftly moved his chair to the furthest reaches of the desk, not that it was in any way a far enough distance for his liking. And to top all of this delicious cream on the cake off with, the cherry was that _She_ had seen. And now she was laughing, uncontrollably. Great.

Rather than acting on his first instinct, which was to curl up into the foetal position, he sighed and looked around, only dimly aware that Casey was still babbling on trying to capture his attention, ahem heart ahem.

He noticed the teacher, a sarcastic Mr West who was supposed to be covering while the maths teacher apparently recovered from a sprained ankle (D of E, seriously it's a health hazard), had his feet up on the desk and his head lolling back emitting gentle snores and grunts every so often. The rest of the class fully taking advantage of this had gathered together in their own little cliques and were quite obviously not doing the work. What the hell had happened to the good English education system? Darcy shook his head to himself until he realised that Casey was silent. And pouting. Panicking Darcy calculated the risk of gaining a serious injury if he vaulted out of the open window, since this maths classroom was up on the third storey, the answers compelled him to remain in his chair for the next… hour.

"Darcy, baby, I asked you if you think Eliza Austen is pretty."

Erik pretended to think for a minute just who Casey meant, the possible bloodshed that could occur if he let on the fact that the truth was he just couldn't get 'Eliza Austen' out of his head would not be pretty.

Elizabeth, the one with the brilliant ice-blue eyes, the one who had just fallen on top of him, who had made him feel…that, the one who he'd made that stupid comment about, heard and hadn't let him or anyone else forget. But still, her eyes…

Could this day get any worse? – a silly sixteen year old with kinda nice eyes was still a silly sixteen year old. He shook his head, black strands falling into his own eyes. He glanced sideways, as much to look away as anything else and he caught sight of Head Case. Apparently if he didn't answer within the next ten seconds the day would definitely get worse and he really didn't feel like dealing with a hysterical Casey. So to placate her he mumbled,

"As much as Mrs Tootleton is sane"

"Oh Darcy you're too cruel! But I do like her friend, JD, -honestly what a name all I can think of is Scrubs whenever I talk to her- but anyway I think she's very pretty. Certainly Charles likes her. And she just got a modelling contract you know."

"She smiles too much"

"Well I like her. Maybe it'll do her some good if I let her hang out with us, take her under my wing. Yes, I'll teach her how to move in high society, God knows she's going to need it, a model from the North; I thought it was quite impossible."

"Suit yourself"

Really Erik at this point had given up any hope that Casey would actually do any of the work set and because he was an 18 year old guy he had forgotten his own notebook, he grabbed Casey's book and started doing the exercise. He was the only one working. He had all the questions done in five minutes, having already gained the relevant qualifications two years ago, that and it was mostly just logic. Quadratic equations apparently no match for Superbrain! Please note the sarcasm.

Head Case at the moment yabbering on the phone to her sister about some new scandal or other, so Erik was free to look around and observe. Nothing much had changed, but the girls' conversation in front of him seemed to be something of a more substantial nature and he had noticed some plastics rolling their skirts up and battering their very fake eyelashes at him. He listened in.

"You just don't understand how hard it is to make poetry sound beautiful and descriptive and have some sort of sense and logic to it AND not sound corny"

"But most poetry doesn't, look at Hardy, his poetry is so depressing in context but the content manages to give hope! Talk about your oxymorons. Anyway, as long as the poet knows the meaning who gives a damn how others interpret it."

"Errm, I do. Lizzie, when we get all the wartime poetry to analyse in the exam I want the poem that's gonna have the structure, the rhythm, the desciptions, so I can actually write about it! I still don't see how you link Lyonesse to Emma"

"Hardy met Emma in Cornwall, Lyonesse is a legend from there. I think. But anyways that's not the point. Poetry is hard to write but its harder to read, why else do ya think we moved on to plays?"

"Shakespeare used poetry in his plays!"

"Yeah, but who does now? All the musicals, every script is natural speech with the odd stage direction, and you can totally tell lyrics are written tongue in cheek- did you see Enchanted? I mean, how hard can it be to write a conversation?"

Feeling a slight firey hole in the back of her head, Lizzie turned round. Darcy was staring at her and looking none to pleased.

_Ooo because he's a scriptwriter, riiiiight… Well, this could be interesting…_

Smirking as evil thoughts invaded her brain, Lizzie stared right back at the Green Eyed Jerk and said to Chrissie,

"Of course we could just ask the resident award winning scriptwriter how easy it is. Go on then Darcy."

"About what?"

"Darcy, if you're going to evesdrop on a conversation you might as well join in. And not pretend you didn't hear. Saves us all a load of embarassment"

"Well are you asking me whether it's harder to write poetry or scripts, or if poetic theatre is still about?"

"Both I imagine"

Darcy took a pause to gather his thoughts. He would not give her another reason to laugh at him.

Lizzie just kept on smirking and added a formidable raised eyebrow.

"Scripts are hard, challenging maybe a better word, but as you said, there is no description. The words themselves have to supply enough emotion to- What?"

"I forgot; you're biased"

"You asked my opinion"

"Still biased. I'd like to see you try and write a poem"

"Is that a bet?"

"Only if you take it"

A staring match ensued, neither willing to back down. The tension was palpable. Very atmospheric. Someone's gotta break it. Which is where Lily comes charging in.

"Hey guys, right so Lizzie. You know about the secret boat party tonight, right? There's gonna be a Karaoke and you totally have to come babe. Chrissie's coming but you'll need to drag JD, and this time I completely promise to hide the alcohol from her. Gawd she was sooo like 'Mom' on us last time."

"Kareoke? Ohhh no. Not after the last time. You can't make me. Bad things will happen, I promise."

"Liziiiiiiiiiieeeeeee, pwease, we wove you singing"

Insert pouty lips and Puss-in-Boots eyes if you will.

"Hey now. I invented that look; you can't use it against me"

Off to the side, seeing Erik look very interested at the prospect of having a legit reason for constantly staring at Lizzie, well that's how Chrissie interpreted the look (correctly), she decided to join in with the forcing Lizzie to go. And had a little something to do with extending an invitation to Barnsley **& co.**

Which is how around five hours later, Lizzie ended up on a stage singing her very heart out to the one man she had decided to loathe for all eternity.

* * *

_A/N: Hey y'all How are you fine folks doin?_

_So yeah, its been a while... Blame sixth form its a nightmare, or blame my laziness whichever... but i choose school_

_I'm kinda sorry about this chapter, so i feel the need to explain. a) for the amount of swearing, I'm stressed so i guess its a release. b) the scripts/poetry convo, not my opinions but sorry if i offended anyone. c) In the original, as much as i love it, i don't understand how little they interact and still manage to love/hate the other. Anyway, this is my spin and i just wanted them to talk more, so please tell me if i'm doing a good job!_

_As for the parody thing, this is P&P, I put my own jokes in, i change what i want, your choice to laugh, if its not your sense of humour go read something else. I don't like snide comments._

_ I feel i've ranted long enough, thanks for reading, fingers crossed the next update will be quicker._


	6. Of Damsels and Cavemen

**If you can remember what's supposed to be haapening in this story have a cookie! Head for Louise, she has them! Now stampeed, on with the show...**

* * *

It was crowded. Very crowded. And smoky. And noisy. Darcy felt a sudden need to run for the hills. If it wasn't for his stubborn, morbid curiosity (and the need to actually do some research for his script) he sure as hell wouldn't be here. Still to the random stranger, he just looked bored, leaning back on a convenient wall eyes fixed on the stage.

No one was singing at the moment, some random pop-crap was playing in the background and a couple of people seemed to be waiting for something.

Darcy let out a sigh. Head Case had decided on a 'make-him-jealous' tactic, dancing what he supposed she thought as 'sexily' with some poor random bloke, but at least he was left alone. But he was soon beginning to think that being left alone with certain thoughts wasn't the best idea he'd ever had. Right now he was wondering why exactly he was so curious about the murky blue eyes that shot daggers at him and why he wanted to see them again and soon. Thankfully, before he could get any more frustrated or impatient there was a cheer from the front as something in a short skirt climbed onto the stage. _Anyway, _he told himself, _it's not like I'm attracted to her or anything…_

~%~

"Lily, no Lily! Come down from there, I told you I didn't… You actually hate me don't you? Right that's it I'm outta here"

As Lizzie spun around to make her great escape, she realised she was surrounded by her so called 'friends'.

"You knew the consequences when you came here, Liz. And we've barred the doors", the normally sweet JD said with a manic grin.

"J! You're supposed to help me, remember? Friends forever? I gave you the necklace!" Lizzie started to panic as the mob herded her to the stage steps, _one last attempt, what is their obsession with me and Karaoke anyway??_

"Chrissie! Christina, I'm begging you here! I'll… I'll give you Jack!" _Come on obsessive Torchwood fans, you can't resist you know you can't…_

"He's already mine, darling. Now shut up, turn around and SING!"

_Damn. Shit. Other four letter words._ Lizzie turned around and somehow the mob had managed to shepherd her into the middle of the platform, _wow that's a lot of people… why is Darcy trying to fry my brain? Wait that's unfair - everyone is trying to find my brain... Have the aliens come, did I miss it? Oh holy mother of ducks, I'm supposed to sing. Right. This was so much easier when I was drunk._

"Ooookaaay… so um if you want the names of the people responsible, you have about five seconds after the show before I run… Alright Lily, hit it!"

_Cos that wasn't cheesy at all… Right now CONCENTRATE!!_

As the first strains of Bob Seger's Old Time Rock and Roll came through the speakers behind her, Lizzie relaxed perceptibly, took a deep breath, closed her eyes and grabbed the microphone before fixing her eyes on the crowd with a goofy smile. It was a Happy song and she knew the lyrics off by heart anyway so she just ignored the screen. A couple of seconds passed and Lizzie had the crowd bouncing up and down on the dance floor as she slid around on the make-shift stage, jumping off the speakers and playing some awesome air-guitar.

The song came to an end and Lizzie was basking in the glory that only comes when you've had the pleasure of making a complete and utter fool of yourself. _I'd forgotten how much fun this is… and oh what a surprise the only person still acting like an effin tree is Darcy. God he could lighten up a bit, what is he like 60 on the inside?_

At the hilarious image of Darcy 'shaking his thang' with a zimmer frame, Lizzie tripped on her laces of her supposedly trusty old red converse high tops and fell backwards into the crowd, her arms yet again resembling a windmill. As she braced herself for impact of either a) over-eager hands helping her to 'crowd-surf' or b) the very hard wood floor, she felt herself plucked out of the air by her waist and hauled against something solid bridal style. _I really need to get my balance checked._

Lizzie glanced up to start apologising/thanking her saviour and met with a pair of amused (?!) green eyes.

"YOU?! But you were – I saw you – You were standing at the back! Are you… are you a Cullen?" She asked the last question reverently, but was only met with a quizzical eyebrow and thin lips. _Figures he wouldn't approve of teenage vampires_

"Believe it or not, I am capable of movement. I was in the crowd. You're just extremely unobservant"

"I see what I need to see, buddy. And I saw what I saw. Now will you let me down."

"What? No thanks? You do realise this is the second time today I've kept you from making contact with the floor"

_Damn him! _Grumbling and mumbling she made her thanks but he still didn't let her down. In fact he just kept on walking, behind her Lizzie heard Lily and Kylie push Madge up to the microphone. _God help her._

~%~

Darcy was slightly freaked out. It wasn't like she was that good a singer but watching her on that stage just having fun… he was at the front of the crowd before he knew he had moved. And now he was carrying her off. Like a caveman. Somehow he managed to keep a straight and indifferent face (not to mention a strong hold), taking all his will power not to sling her on his back and run to the nearest convinient cave... he came back to himself when he realised Lizzie was pouting and wriggling like a child wanting to be put down.

"Look, mister. I'm clumsy - not a damsel in distress. So I don't need to be carried." She paused for all of two seconds "Oh come on, man, I am perfectly capable of walking. PUT ME DOWN"

Darcy just rolled his eyes. He was close enough to where he wanted to be anyway, so he dropped her on the couch up on the top deck of the boat. He didn't bother to give any explanation, deciding to just tower over her.

"Alright, I'll say it again and that's the last time, buddy; Thanks. Now move your hiney!"

"My hiney?"

"Your arse, senex*! Don't know if you noticed, but there's a party down there"

"I noticed"

"Then what the hell are we out here for?!"

"You were bright red. I thought you might be in need of some oxygen" Oh the sarcasm was just rolling off of him.

_Damn damn damn and beavers. _Lizzie somehow managed to find another brighter red in the spectrum.

"Well as you can see I am perfectly fine. Now I would appreciate it if you found someone else to stand in front of and glare at"

"I'm not glaring"

"Ha! Can you see any teddy bears? No! That's because they have all run for cover!"

"You're weird"

"And you are an ass. Glad we cleared that up. Now move it"

_Jeez, right if he doesn't move in the next second, I'm gonna rugby tackle him. I wonder if he would notice if I punched him at the same time… probably not, would be too worried about smashing his pretty little face up, diddums!_

As it happened, Darcy moved and in an olde gentlemanly way waved and bowed for Lizzie to go ahead.

_And he says I'M weird?_

Darcy was in fact just trying to cover up a smile, as he realised the cliché thought 'cute when angry' was completely and utterly true.

~%~

Back inside the boat, Lizzie disappeared into the crowd, for once thankful that she was on the small side of average. It never occurred to her that Darcy being on the large side of tall had no problem watching her weave her way towards her friends.

Deciding to say as little as possible of her 'rescue-of-being-turned-into-a-fried-egg,' Lizzie heaved a sigh and found Chrissie and JD-and-Charlie. Raising her eyebrows at Chrissie, she got a smirk and slight nod in return – JD and Charlie were definitely JD-and-Charlie. The fact that certain points of their faces were attached to each other, also kind of gave the news away. The sweet victory Lizzie felt for shy JD quickly turned into nauseousness for herself; no one needs to see their best mate in a make-out session. _Thank God for Chrissie_, Lizzie thought as Chris grabbed her hand and dragged her away.

"I love her and all, but she could you know at least wait until their alone. Who'd have thought JD The Promiscuous Wench?"

"Are you kidding, Liz it was Charlie that started that whole thing off. Didn't you see, she kept blushing and turning her face away, if she hadn't responded to that kiss, I'd have wondered if she had a heart!"

"She's in public! Of course she was blushing, hell I would be too, he's practically groping her in front of the whole school! And, Christina she's so shy, you know she barely speaks unless she has a script in front of her"

"Well, she needs to learn how to improvise if she wants to keep Charlie"

"Keep him? He's got the eyes, but he ain't a dog. Besides if he really likes her, he'll get to know her and find out how shy she is"

"That's the problem, he might not get the chance to find out because she's so quiet, Liz she barely tells us when she's got something on her mind! By her standards, she's gonna have to throw herself at him"

"We are still talking about JD right? There's no way that that's gonna happen. Besides, how can any one look at them and not think they're the perfect couple? It'll all work out"

~%~

This wouldn't work out. Spotting the free show, Darcy couldn't help but groan. How couldn't Charlie see he'd picked up just another wannabe actress? That bloody film had brought nothing but trouble.

He recognised the signs, in a couple of days if not hours, Charlie would be proclaiming he was In Love, painting the happy family picture, complete with three dogs and a white picket fence. Only now the lovely wife would be JD (what the hell was her name anyway?) instead of Charlotte/Kate/Rebecca/Harriet. They'd all been gold diggers and wannabes what made this new one any different. She wasn't like her friend; no, she was too quiet, too reserved. Darcy bet she didn't let feelings get in the way of much, or give them out too quickly.

But Charlie, as always seemed genuinely attached. So. How was he meant to get him out of this one then?

* * *

**Hi, so its been a while... at this point i think people usually say something about not killing them, but exams are coming up, joy of joys, so if you wish to kill me please try, I could do with the distraction xD**

**Kidding! But please, feel free to review! to be dramatic, it'll take away the pain... See ya doodes xD**


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